Monday, July 10, 2006

If There Had Been the EPA


The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970 with William Ruckelshaus as its director. The Agency had been established earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.

THE BEGINNING In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an environmental impact statement with the EPA. God was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed." The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before....

At that point, God created Hell.
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