The Three C's of Marriage

 

The Three C's of Marriage
 
What do you want in your marriage? For most people, it's to feel
loved, valued, safe and trusted, said John M.R. Covey, who is
director of marriage and family for Franklin Covey, and who with his
wife, Jane, has given seminars on marriage around the world.

How do you achieve that goal? Three things can help, he said:
character, communication and companionship.

Covey likes to start with the "myth of the marriage box" developed by
J. Allan Peterson, who noted that "most people get married believing
a myth -- that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things
they have longed for: companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy,
friendship. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty
box. You must put something in it before you can take anything out.
There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it
into marriage."

You have to learn, "not to take, but to give, give, give," said
Covey. That's where character comes in. And character comes from
learning the consequences of your actions, from learning what you can
and can't control.

What can you control in life? Only yourself -- your attitudes, your
actions, your desires, he said. What can't you control? Anyone else,
the weather, your parents, where you were born.

If you try to live in the circle of no control, you end up unhappy,
chaotic, unempowered, feeling like a victim, he said. If you live in
the circle of control, you live with hope and happiness.

What makes the difference? "Reactive behavior takes you out of the
circle of control. Proactive behavior -- where you pause, think and
choose before you act -- gives you control. Inside that pause between
action and response -- that is who you are."

The second "C" of marriage is communication, said Jane Parrish Covey.
The most important thing to remember, she says, "is that the way we
speak to each other does matter. Words hurt. Word crush. Or words
lift and build."

So, she advises, "look for strengths. Talk about strengths. Dwell on
strengths instead of weaknesses. Too often in families, we dwell on
weaknesses."

Dwelling on strengths helps develop unity and companionship. So does
making emotional deposits in your marriage box. Sometimes, she said,
that can be as simple as "saying the words, 'I love you' to the
people that you love."

Source: Deseret News (Salt Lake City).

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